Vijay showed me his helmet today. Luckily it was a Lego Star Wars Clone Trooper helmet, but I think the dimensions could have been close to his. He apparently has got this super entrepreneurial (gave myself a migraine trying to spell that) idea of buying Lego men, assembling them and selling them for a couple of quid. Yeah, because it's really hard to assemble a Lego man isn't it? So he's making money from his ability to construct toy men aimed at the 3-7 year old boy market. Good luck dumbass. I withered his enthusiasm by pointing out that Lego wasn't collectible, but Kubricks were. And as he was walking away I told him, "Kostas is gonna rip you a new asshole, suckaahhhhhh!!!". Now he's cool.

Oh yeah, so I had a camera up my jacksie on Friday, but they couldn't find shit. Do you see what I did there? Comic, er, genius. So anyway, the erudite and perceptive NHS diagnosed a big fat nothing as to the cause of my debilitating intestinal pain that knocked me out for about 2 weeks last month. I do love general anaesthetics though don't you? I was knocked out so they could manouevre the camera and it's tripod and cables and cameraman etc up my back passage and I was like, "Right here we go. He's injecting me now, my arm feels a bit funny, but I'll try to control the............". Then I woke up an hour later and had the wickedest cup of tea in the recovery room that I've ever had I think - awesome. And I was high for the next 3 hours or so. Bought a load of Christmas cards on the way out of the hospital that I don't really have any recollection of, except I vaguely remember saying that they "looked pretty". Ah, bless.

Lost pop stars -

1. Axl Rose - "Where do we go now?" (Re-hab?)
2. The Eagles - "Welcome to the Hotel California" (err, this is Sunnyview B+B mate)
3. Diana Ross - "Do you know where you're going to?" (the Heathrow Customs strip-and-search cubicle?)
4. Yes - "Somehow I'll find my way home" (yeah, but with that girly voice Jon I wouldn't ask any hairy bikers in leather caps for directions if I were you)
5. Talking Heads - "We're on a road to nowhere" (no, this is the road to Swindon. Oh, I see what you mean)
6. Damian - The Timewarp (happens when you "pop out" to the 24 hour garage after a heavy club night)
7. etc etc etc

Just while I remember, if you do sell your camera phone to a mate at work, make sure you erase all the pictures on it of you dressed up like a woman in a blue backless dress first (WTF!?!?!).

I was in Marks+Sparks t'other day generally feeling superior to the cattle like browsers being herded through the shop buying Christmas presents, and Toby became rather fascinated with a whole display of boxed tights. When I checked them out I could see why. They were maternity tights featuring a picture of a woman so heavily pregnant that she looked like she was hosting a yeti or something. What caught my eye was the fact that these tights boasted, "Bare open toe's". Like they would be useful for rock climbing or something, you know, to keep you toes free for better grip. They looked absolutely bizarre. I was going to get you a picture, but thought better of my wife finding images of maternity tights in my internet history.

My poor old Ma gets a bit confused, bless her. She was talking about a burger bar in Oxford called Maxwells and she described it as being like TJ Fridays, which is, I presume, a cross between TJ Hooker and TGI Friday's; a kind of Burger King for cops. She might have hit on an idea there....maybe not though. Then she called TK Maxx, Tex Mexx - kind of like a cheap clothing outlet for cowboys then [Oh shut up with the shit puns you tosser - Ed]. Anyway, after reading about pilchards in a magazine at her house I went searching through the cupboard for any tinned fish I could find. I found a jar of anchovies and proceeded to eat one, got it stuck halfway down my throat (bony buggers aren't they?) then honked it back up in the pedal bin. Note to self; AVOID.

Final thought for today, you know if you open up a Read only file, in say Word, and then close it, it asks you if you want to save any changes you made. What is it, taking the piss or something? It's Read only! Tosser.

Was watching Most Haunted last night on FTN. What a pile of cack. They had some camp northerner on the show with an Arthur Daley coat, gelled hair and a diamond earring as some kind of Dale Winton-swami. They experienced many "ghostly events" such as spots of light, tapping noises and a door closing with a bang. Scuse me while I call Ghostbusters - what a load of bunkem. "Oooh, there's an evil presence here that wants us to leave", what, so he shuts the door!? Think about it!

One of the crew had to leave the room as Arthur Daley began telling a story about a child that was poisoned in the room and died choking. The crew member suddenly started coughing when Arthur mentioned the choking and then couldn't get his breath. They found him outside coughing his lungs up and he noted how amazing it was that he felt the difficulty breathing as soon as Arthur Daley mentioned it. No, that's not amazing, you're just open to suggestion. If he'd said the boy had died of cold you would have suddenly felt a chill; if he'd said he'd been smothered by a jelly, you would have smelled strawberries. You are a muppet.

What was weird though was that my thumb scars were itching throughout the program in a funny Harry Potter n Voldemort kind of way.

You know when you're minding your own business walking down the street and some horrible nutcase looking for someone to beat up says, "What the f*ck are you looking at?!"? Wouldn't it be good to reply, "A gay c*nt with a broken nose", smash his face in with a metal pipe and shove it up his a*se? Yeah I reckon it'd be hilarious.

CitraMag has recently entered my vocabulary (amongst other places) as a synonym for discomfort. Look it up and you'll know why.

And finally...had an e-mail purporting to be from eBay, asking me to re-enter my credit card details into their website or my account would be suspended. Along with credit card details they also wanted information on savings, times I was going to be away from home and how much I would pay for my wife should she ever be kidnapped. Here it is:


Dear Costumer [How do they know I dress up?! Worrying], place or change your account information on file
Dear Costumer, needs a correct information from you requires correct credit card information in full each month on accounts with balances of $1.00 or greater and if your account becomes past due. [my English must be terrible, cos that looks like gobbledegook to me] We are unable to verify or authenticate your credit/debit card information on file with us. You have been pre-indefinitely [must look that word up] suspended from [from what?] because credit cards information incorrect (credit card number, pin, expdate or cvv2 code [must be some efficiency drive, never been asked for my PIN before - got to keep up with progress though haven't you?]. If you feel you have been suspended in error or want to appeal this decision by providing additional information, we offer you the ability to place or change the information you submit to us. [So kind]

Why do I do it? Watch zombie movies that is. Saw the remake of Dawn of the Dead last night, which I thought was very good. I'm a big boy now and horror movies don't scare me anymore. The film last night didn't scare me as such, y'know in a jumpy jumpy kind of way. What get's me more is the thought of total chaos, breakdown of law and order, random acts of homicide, getting your face chewed off by a rabid granny etc etc. 28 Days Later was like that too. I actually had a proper nightmare after watching that - ooh it was just like being a kid all over again. The dream I had last night was that I was in a club just chilling by a pillar with a drink (good alliteration there, non?), totally at ease, when this freaked out girl with saucer eyes stumbles over to me and tells me to stop staring at her heart. I apologised and explained that I wasn't looking at her heart and was now only looking at her at all because she was standing right in front of me. I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said yes, so I did. That's it. Oh and Sarah told me that one of our friends, Adam C****, was on 127K as a programmer. This was also a dream it turns out

New Mos Def CD is good. Quite a nifty break from standard hip hop actually, blues, rock guitars etc, which I (the scene?) was probably needing - I have been listening to hip hop pretty solidly just recently.

I wonder if someone could find out for me if there are any brothels around with the slogan, "The customer always comes first"? If there isn't, there should be.

Also, I'm thinking of writing a comedy/drama based loosely on The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin. It will feature a boy, bullied at school, who tries, unsuccessfully to fight back against the bigger kids who constantly pull his underpants painfully hard up his crack. It's called The Rise and Fall of Wedginald Perineum. I might not actually write this, so please feel free to steal the idea and send me money when you become successful. Ta ra.

Just one thought for today: Do bisexual men have their cock, and eat it too?

I HATE it when people say, "Get in!" when something goes really well for them. Grrr. I am uptight I know, but it really bugs the hell out of me. Aaaaaanyway...

Pity the raspberry. Overshadowed by his "seeds on the outside" cousin and therefore (with red taken) having to be represented by the colour blue in most confectionery. Did no-one consider the implications of the emergence of the blueberry as a flavour? What colour are they as sweets? Blue, yes, blue as well. Yeah, just think next time will ya.

Concidence time: recently read Mark Bowden's Black Hawk Down, which in turn inspired me to buy the 3 DVD box set thing (superb), which mentions a number of other US battles such as Normandy, Iwo Jima and Ia Drang. Hmm, hadn't heard of Ia Drang before. Next night I went to hire a DVD and got the option to choose an old title free of charge, so I picked We Were Soldiers, which turned out to be about the Ia Drang battle in Vietnam. Check here for details of the impossible sounding battle. There is a pdf of the actual battle report by General Moore - chilling reading. If I understood the film correctly, the US lost about 40 men, the Vietnamese lost about 1,800!! WTF!!

Had a thought about the cultural infection that is American fast food and how they could have put mind control drugs in the food to prepare the way for global domination. Then I remembered about vCJD in beefburgers and thought, "Shit, that could be the exposure of a plot!!" and then I couldn't remember what I was talking about and...errr...can I help you?

Are rust proof piles called haemmerites? Check this origin of the word haemorrhoids. Bizarre.

My free thinking list of reasons why people think it's cool\tough to smoke and other associated observations:

• they are playing with fire - literally
• they are doing something that, to begin with, is horrible - it takes strength, determination
• they are emasculating\pacifying\subduing fire and actually breathing in it's by products - heat, smoke, ash etc
• the casual way that this emasculation is done
• the physical posturing and associated narrowing\squinting of the eyes and facial grimace of the "draw"
• the levelling of the male\female playing ground as girls (now outnumbering new male smokers) establish and associate themselves easily with males also smoking
• movie stars and musicians etc - get cool by associating with the image
• perceived disregard of the dangers from disease, a "devil may care" attitude to the lethal smoke in their g(r)asp
• adoption of the alienation aspect. As more public places reject smokers, smokers feel persecuted and may actually enjoy antagonising non-smokers to give the impression that it doesn't bother them

Music wise, you guys want to be peeping the Oh No's (Madlib's brother) CD - awesome.

And finally, I want this, but don't want to have to part with £50. Can you help me? Answers to the usual address please.