Cliff! Was in the news just recently as he and Jethro Tull were campaigning to get the copyright laws on recorded material extended from 50 years to 95. His early recordings from 1958 will become public domain in 2008, to those that want them, and he's been bellyaching about it, quite rightly I suppose. He will after all lose all control over the recordings and more importantly he won't get a bean in royalties from anyone that plays them after that date. I wanted to find out what he had to say about the ruling specifically (to be honest I knew he would be a whinger and I just wanted to have a laugh at his expense) and so I went to his website to have a look at the News and Forum pages and, ooh what's this? A Blog.

To get into the inner world of Sir Clifford of Rich and his loyal fans I had to register on the website and today I received my first update e-mail from Jesus' favourite leather faced tennis partner and it opened thus :

"Cliff isn’t just known for his musical successes (no, he's also known as a closet homosexual, Bible-bashing, Botox zombie too) - but also the fragrances his hits inspired, which have become bestsellers, worn by his legions of (undead) fans and by fragrance-lovers who just love the perfumes themselves (as opposed to the fans who only wear his perfume because it's Cliff's): Miss You Nights, Devil Woman and Dream Maker".

OK, so he's got three fragrances:

1. "Miss You Nights - warm and floriental, with its heady notes of ylang-ylang, rose and jasmine (which remind Cliff of his home [read - tax haven] in Barbados)"

2. "Dream Maker - opens with a zing of citrus notes, which give way to a floral heart – inspired by the sweet-smelling flowers Cliff grows in his own garden [the grannies swoon], and with spicy, woody undertones"

3. "And Devil Woman – Cliff’s latest creation – evokes a heady sensuality, with a fruity note of cassis, and exotic ingredients from faraway lands: musk, precious woods, Madagascan vanilla and benzoin resin [what?!], from Indonesia"

I think those are quite weak names actually for the perfumes. They are obviously taken from his hits of the same name, but I think he had a whole raft of other song name possibilities to choose from that would have more obviously conveyed the type of fragrance they lent their name too. Here are some of my suggestions, all using Cliff's original hit song titles:

1. Summer Holiday - coconut, pineapple, cut grass and summer rain
2. Evergreen Tree - err, an evergreen tree
3. Dancing Shoes - foot odour and sweaty socks
4. Spanish Harlem - roses, blood, whisky and garbage
5. Bachelor Boy - BO, stale clothes, beer and fags
6. Chinchilla - damp fur, carrots and pee
7. Yugoslav Wedding (my favourite) - vodka, horse manure and cabbages
8. Jerusalem - petrol, gunpowder and myrrh
9. House Without Windows - rising damp, pigeon shit and tramps urine, and...
10. Willie and the Hand Jive - I don't think I want to investigate what that would smell like actually...

I think there's money to be made there. Obviously some perfumes would cater to a rather specialist market, but that's what Cliff does now isn't it?

Finally, I went to get a Dr Pepper from the vending machine yesterday and noticed an 8" x 12" sign on the front of the machine which just said, "Thirsty?". Um, yep. That's usually my motivation for buying a drink. What next, a sign on the lavatory door asking, "Need a wee?".

And I've just discovered that a little bit of Flora makes a good lip salve improvisation and it contains sunflower goodness and essential polyunsaturates for a healthy heart. Bonusk.